“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats