When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.