Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
School be like
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream