🤣✨#caturday
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Tastes like chicken.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
my professor scared me for a second
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”