My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Cats are still liquid.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.