I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
omg leave her alone
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Every time my phone rings
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.