ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die