Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I mean…but I did