All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat