My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.