No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake