Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.