I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My kitchen overserved me.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence