Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
The old gods are rising again.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)