Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
the #horror is real!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
They’re the worst 😩
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.