I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Print is alive and well!!!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
When ur friends with white people
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed