According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The Book. The Movie.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.