I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
✌🏽
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?