*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
You Might Also Like
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Guy who likes music
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE