WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
How all things should be taught/explained.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
my professor scared me for a second
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.