“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.