I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
You Might Also Like
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate