me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword