Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”