It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Yeah. This was me today.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities