Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
You learn something every day
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?