Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam