Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
You have been warned.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?