If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me