Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me