HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
why isn’t he texting back
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
What personal space?
My dog
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.