YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison