employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.