Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.