My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
IT’S-A ME,
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!