I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”