[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
You Might Also Like
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My support group can outdrink your support group.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them