Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Why font matters.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud