My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Flock of bats
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.