I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
You Might Also Like
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.