remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.