Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?