I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
won’t smith
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.