Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
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Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore