[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You Might Also Like
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Cause of death: Zumba
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.