Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
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Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?