God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
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Would you wear it?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.