The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
That’s easy for you to say
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
a lot to unpack here
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!