Sign of the day..
You Might Also Like
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.