ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Ape together strong
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.